I Tried Sannyas NOT once, not twice, but
thrice, – three times did I have the urge to take to the life of an ascetic, sannyasa.
But whether it was the bad luck of asceticism or out of my own good luck,
I had to give up the idea .on all the three occasions, though each time it
happened in a different way. This
was how it came about the first time. I had just come out of jail. What was I
to do next? Go back to the ordinary life, read as before in college, pass
examinations, get a job? But all that was now out of
the question. I prayed that such things be erased from the tablet of my fate, sirasi
ma likha, ma likha, ma likha. But before I could come to any
final decision as to the future, I had to do something at least to while away
the time. So I gave my parents and relatives to understand that I would be
continuing my studies and so be on the look-out for a suitable college – for
any and every college would not dare to admit me, a live bomb-maker just out of
prison. After
going about a bit, I came to
Page – 383 Math must be somewhere near the station, so I should go by train this time. With
exactly two and a half annas in my pocket, I left for the He
asked me, "What precisely do you want to come here for
?" I
said, “This is a sacred spot dedicated to the memory of Swami Vivekananda. I
have a deep attraction for Swamiji, and I want to follow his idea1.” "To
have an attraction for Swamiji," he said, "is a very good thing. But
it is not enough. It is easy enough, especially for Indian youths, to adore him
and do him worship. What is more difficult is to know and understand his
Master, Sri Ramakrishna. And he who does not know and understand Sri
Ramakrishna cannot know and understand Swami Vivekananda wel1. In any case, you
will agree that anyone cannot be admitted to the Math just like that. You pay
us a few visits, let us get to know each other better, then
perhaps we might decide something." "But I have no intention of going back," I said.
"On that I am determined." Debabrata Basu and Sachin
Sen had already joined the Ramakrishna Mission before I came. Both of them had
been with me in Alipore Jail among the accused in the Bomb case.
Page – 384 Let me here in parenthesis
note a few things about Debabrata Basu. He had been a contemporary of Barin, U
pen and Hrishikesh and was among the leaders of our group. He was one of the
writers. Indeed, it was he and Upen who gave a characteristic stamp to Yugantar
by their writings. His was the mind of a meditative thinker. His thought
was wide in its range, rich in knowledge, he had
insight and inner experience. And all this he could combine with a fine sense
of humour which did not, however, as in the case of others always explode in
laughter. Nor did his appearance belie his mental stature; he was akara-sadrsa-prajña,
a tall figure of a man. One would often find him seated in a meditative
pose, gathered silently within. When he came back to his waking self he would
sometimes impart to those around him something of the knowledge he had gained
in the world of thought or of his experiences in the inner worlds. He had a
sister, Sudhira, who was also well-known to us, for in spite of her being a
woman she too had shared in her brother's work as a revolutionary. On his
joining the Ramakrishna Mission, Debabrata Basu was given the name of Prajnananda.
He has written a book in Bengali, Bharater Sadhana (The Spiritual Heritage
of I
had to bring up the names of Debabrata and Sachin for I thought – I had also
been told something to this effect – that the Math
might feel a little nervous or perhaps even get into trouble with the police
because of my connection with the Bomb case. But Sarat Maharaj gave me finally
to understand that he could not accept me as an inmate. So I had to leave. Now,
what was I to do next? I decided to start off straight along the Grand Trunk
Road, the road of the Mughals, which they say would take one as far as
Page – 385 "Thou hast found a shelter for everyone, O Shankara, O Lord of the Worlds, But to me thou hast
assigned the road alone." Or the words of Christ, "The
foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nest but the son of man hath not
where to lay his head." So
I trudged along. The township was passed, human habitations grew thin and the
meadows stretched wider or both sides of the road. But what was this coming all
on a sudden? It started drizzling. I had no umbrella,
there were no houses to offer me shelter, only the shades of wayside trees. I
began to get drenched and the rain damped my body and the inner spirit too
along with it. I now said to myself, "Hang it all, but what is the point
in this useless suffering? Is this spiritual discipline? And is it essential to
that discipline to get oneself drenched in the rain out in this wilderness?"
The answer came, "No, it is not at all essential. Can't you recall Sri
Krishna's words, 'He who afflicts his body afflicts me too who dwell in that
body'? Now then?" Well, I thought I should now
turn back. If my resolution was not a sound resolution, there could be no harm
in going back on it. So I turned back. But
turn hack how? There was not enough money to pay for the train fare. In any
case, it would be easier to take a country-boat, from the place where I had
reached, – so I gathered from enquiries. I came to the riverside. It was
already getting on to eight and the last of the ferry boats was about to leave.
I ran for it and jumped in. And we crossed over to
Page – 386 to pay
the full fare." "But I have
told you I have nothing more, how can I pay?" "I don't know about
that." "All right, I can give you my pair of slippers."
"No, they won't do. If you give me the chuddar you have on, I might
consider," It was a good shawl I had on, and I said, "No, my dear
fellow, that I am not going to part with." "But you will have
to." Our
exchanges were well on the way to a dispute, when a gentleman suddenly appeared
up on the river bank – it was a steep bank and the water had receded far down
at the ebb tide – and he asked me, "What is the matter?" I told him
all that had happened. "Oh, is that all? Here, you fellow," he said,
"here is your fare." He gave him an anna. I
thanked him profusely, asked him for his address, but he went his way
without another word. I
too started on my way home and finally came back to my room at the Mess. My
friend was waiting for me to come before he sat down to dinner. I simply said,
"Sorry, I have been late, going about here and there." I did not give
him the faintest hint of the drama I had just been through, how from a near-tragedy I had landed into high
comedy. That
was "my first attempt at sannyasa. Now about
the next chance. I
have told you earlier that on our release from j ail, so long as we were in
Page – 387
that is, the blanket and the lota or
water-pot. The date of departure was fixed, only the itinerary remained.
"But before we start," he said, "we must inform Sri Aurobindo
and obtain his blessings. And then we leave," So,
one afternoon, in the course of one of our regular visits, we told him of our
plan. He kept quiet for a while, then he said,
"Well, you might wait for a few days." I was a little surprised, for
I had thought that he would endorse our scheme without any hesitation. Anyhow,
we had to wait for a few days. He said to us one day, "You wanted to go on
a tour of the country, didn't you? Well, you come with me,
I shall take you on a tour." We were taken aback and were delighted at the
same time. He was to leave for This
provided me with a fresh opportunity to see once again the beauty of old
Page – 388 slow-moving
boat. Sri Aurobindo was there and two or three other leaders. I was so
powerfully moved by the scene that – the child that I was – I felt an
irresistible desire to burst forth there and then into song: "In front the clouds glow, over the setting sun. Row on thy
boat, for now it is too late to cross. The golden land is half-seen through the gloam: Wouldst thou then take thy
boat to the other shore?" Somehow with difficulty I
contained myself and sat in quiet contemplation. Out
on tour, Sri Aurobindo used to address meetings, meet people when he was free
and give them instructions and advice. Most of those
who came to his meetings did not understand English,
they were common village-folk. But they came in crowds all the same, men, women
and children, just to hear him speak and have his darshan. When he stood
up to address a gathering, a pin-drop silence prevailed. His audience must
surely have felt a vibration of something behind the spoken word. It is not
that he confined himself to political matters alone. There were many who knew
that he was a, Yogi and- spiritual guide and they sought his help in these
matters too. I have myself seen as I spent whole nights with him in the same
room, at Jalsuka, how he would sit up practically the whole night and go to bed
only for a short while in the early hours of the morning. We
toured the country for about ten or twelve days and then we came back. On our
return, Sri Aurobindo made us an offer: we were to have a home at the
Shyampukur premises of Karmayogin and Dharma. I have already told
you about that. The
story of my third and last attempt at sannyasa can be briefly told.
The scene was here in
Page – 389 We were indeed well on the way to sannyasa in
that life of Brahmacharya and single blessedness. The first time it had been myself, my own self or soul, who rejected sannyasa. The
second time the veto was pronounced by the Supreme Soul, the Lord – Sri
Aurobindo himself. And the third time it was the Supreme Prakriti, the
Universal Mother who it seems scented the danger and hastened as if personally
to intervene and. bar that way of escape for ever, by piling up against us the
heaven-kissing thorny hedge of wedlock. Three of us got caught in this manner,
although the other two did find a way of escape.
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